Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
