My sheets look like a crime scene.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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