I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
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like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
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Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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