Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
