she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
