i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
