I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Pants are for mortals
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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