I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
