can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
