She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
