I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think people are normalizing furries
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
