ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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