u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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