We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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