i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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