I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
