non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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