he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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