I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Welp...herpes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
