remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
