This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
