Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
