so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
