now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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