i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
