I wish my penis had an off switch
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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