eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
