we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
