I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
