fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
