if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
