So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
