the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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