Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
