You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
