I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm eating all of the evidence.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
