So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
