College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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