Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Never underestimate the power of titties
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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