I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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