If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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