your room smells of hookers.
And success
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
