The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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