Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
