His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
