Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You may now shotgun with the bride
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
