Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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