I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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