You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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