Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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