I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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