I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
