dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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