dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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